An Honest Look at How I'm Doing

Just a small warning, what you are about to read is complete honesty, so if you're okay with that, keep reading, if not...maybe don't read the rest of this post.

People keep asking me, how are you doing? Are you glad to be home? Yes, I say, with a smile on the outside, and a grimace on the inside.

The grimace is not that I'm not glad to be home. I mean it is good to be home, here, with friends and family. The grimace is there, because this is home. What does that mean? you might be asking yourself.

It means, I'm home. This is not a place I've called home for the past 6 years. I don't identify or fit in any longer; my friends have moved on, even my family has moved on, grown, become different, not what I expected. Every day is like relearning a culture that should be familiar because it shaped who I am today, but is so foreign, because I think differently, act differently than before. Life, experience, has changed me.

It means, I'm home. And I have to remind myself everyday, this is where you live now. It's been about 7 weeks, and it still hasn't sunk in that this is where I live. This is me for the next who knows how long. I have to put down roots again, unpack the suitcases, settle.

It means, I'm home. I've cut ties with my family and friends in the Cooks, and now matter how much I miss them, they're not part of my everyday home anymore. I have to move on, stop clinging to the past, accept what God has for me here. It means, I'm home. No matter how homesick I am for past homes, past people, it's time to learn how to do things here, how to build relationships here.

I don't want to accept this. And that's why I smile on the outside, and grimace on the inside. Because even though God is very good, and He is continually assuring me that I am in the right place (even though I'm continually questioning Him), this is very hard. This is starting a whole new life. I praise God and thank Him that He has all things in control, that He knows what He is doing...
But I still want to be out there. I still wonder what He is doing.

I know this will take time. I know that the adjusting will take awhile, I haven't even been in Canada for 2 months yet, I know that it is okay to be sad, to miss what I've left behind, to long to know what is my future. I know this, but it's hard, and that's why I'm writing this post, mostly just to process, but also to ask just for continual prayers as I walk this new season of my life. I believe that God has good things in store and He has already brought so much blessing in my life...

I'm just thankful that I don't have to walk this alone. He is always with me.

For some interesting further reading:
Check out:
http://www.alifeoverseas.com/when-friends-do-the-next-right-thing/