When Good-Bye Might Not Be Good-Bye: A Request for Prayer

I didn't go to church this morning. I went for a run instead. Before anyone falls over from shock, please let me back up and explain.

I wrote that last week Sunday, not yesterday, last week Sunday. There is complete silence in my heart at the moment.

I need direction. I need a word from God. I need prayer.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I was approached by the directors of YWAM Cook Islands. I was asked to pray about coming back for part of the year to help, no commitment, no expectation of me coming back for good.

All my heart wants to do is go back. I have prayed about this for 3 weeks. I come to God over and over again. Every free moment is spent thinking of this, pros, cons, desires, ways, schemes, emotions.

God isn't giving me a clear answer. The mission board thinks it is too soon for me to go anywhere. My mom wants me to go more than anything.

My heart has decided it's going. When my brain tries to tell my heart that it might not be going, my heart is devastated, brought to tears, it weeps.

My brain sees the logic: I don't have any funding. I might not have a job when I come back. I need to find someone to take my place in my apartment. I have a fragile relationship with my home church after being gone for so long.

My brain also fears: I was on the verge of burnout when I left, what if I'm not healthy enough to go? What if I'm swamped by loneliness again? I said good-bye, people have moved on, what if there's really no room or place for me. Besides how could good-bye not be good-bye?

But my heart, my heart longs for the tides of the ocean, the normalcy, the expectancy of life in the Cook Islands. My heart longs to serve, to be useful. My heart longs to draw to God in the midst of corporate worship. More than that, my heart longs for friends, family, home that has been left behind.

Even as I write this, I'm crying. Granted, I'm a fairly emotional person, but a large part of my heart is forever in the Cook Islands.

My heart and head are in a chaotic fog. I need definite direction. Something clear, definitive, to hear God even though I can't decide on my own.

I am ready to step forward in faith, believing God would have me go, 6 short weeks from today. I long to do so. I am ready to stay if God would have me stay.

I need to hear His voice. I need Him to speak.

If you're reading this, I would appreciate and value your prayers. I believe that God has something in store for me, I believe He has an answer, a desire for what He'd have me do for the rest of the year. I also believe that He can bring peace to this, whatever the answer.

Thank you.