Why Is It So Hard to Love?

Love should be easy, should it not?

This past week, I've had to maneuver through the stickiest people situations. Co-workers, friends, customers, family, people at church.

I've been bombarded by events where I'm realizing I just don't have what it takes to love all on my own. I have desired, so many times, to be crabby or to comment on other people's behavior with hurtful words or snarky comments.

I think I've controlled myself in most situations, I think. At least physically, on the outside.

This line from somewhere in my growing up years keeps popping up in my head though,

Watch your thoughts, they become words; watch your words, they become actions. 

I read 1 Corinthians 13, and find that loves shows itself in the following ways, 

Love

• is patient
• is kind
• is without envy
• is humble
• is not prideful
• is not rude
• is not self-seeking
• cannot be provoked
• does not think about evil
• doesn't rejoice in sin, rather it rejoices in truth
• bears, believes, hopes & endures all things

In Proverbs we read over and over again about guarding our hearts. The wellspring of life flows out of our hearts. Love flows out of our hearts,but it can't if it's not first filled with God's love. 

God's love has to first pour into us, if we want to pour it out into others. 1 John 4:19 says, We love because He first loved us...

I don't have the strength to love others on my own. God has been not so subtly nudging me today. The reason I'm finding it hard to love is because I'm not sitting in His love and in His presence as much as I should.

New challenge for myself: carve out larger chunks of time to spend with God. I invest and set aside time to build my relationships with others, why is it so hard to invest in what should be the most important relationship in my life?

And I need to spend actual relationship time with God, not just study or reading for the sake of knowledge, I was convicted of this in my Bible reading this afternoon.

1 Corinthians 8 opens with these words:
We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. 

The word edify means to "instruct or benefit, especially morally or spiritually"

I feel like knowledge should edify us, and I feel that I have been taught this mindset my whole life, but I find instead, that love is what edifies us. Love is our instruction. Love is what benefits.

I want to live right, and I want to love right. As hard as it is to come out with the actions at times, I believe that God's greatest commands hinge on the basis of love.

I want to be a living vessel, able to pour out God's love to those around me. Do you?

If so, commit with me to spending more time in God's presence, so that He can show us how to love EVERYONE around us...

The post I was hoping not to have to write...

So...this post, aah! this post...

This post, I've been putting off writing for awhile, but today, buoyed by 4 shots of espresso, a too cold for me outside, and no one at home to distract me, I will brave my way through this post.

I don't actually know the outcome of this post. Funny that, and possibly the reason I've been putting it off.

When I first came home in April, everyone wanted to know what my next steps were, how long I was going to be "home" for, what my goals and plans were.

I gave safe answers. I was going to be in La Crete until Christmas. I was looking at going to Asia in the New Year. Et cetera, et cetera... The answers satisfied people for the time being.

The Christmas season is fully upon us, only a short 4 weeks away, and the questions have started again. How long are you planning on working? What are you thinking of doing? Do you know where God wants you? What are your plans?

The questions are sincere, out of the goodness of people's hearts. And I have no hard feelings to the questions.

I've just run out of safe answers to give in reply.

My heart is more for missions than it ever has been. The ache to have people know God is as hard-pressed as it was as a teenager when I felt God calling me to a life of missions.

So, my conclusion, for those of you wondering, is...I still don't know what God is calling me into for next year.

I am hoping to work less and have more time to be with people. I am also heading back to the Cook Islands for a few weeks in February-March. (YAY!!!)

My prayer is to head into frontier missions, heading into places that have never heard the gospel. But I'm not sure which people group, or if that's my ultimate and God wants me to head somewhere else first, in preparation for frontiers.

At the moment, if you see me, or chat with me, feel free to ask what my plans are and how I'm doing, but be prepared for the possibility of vague answers. My life is literally day-to-day, step by step, walking and breathing by faith.

I would appreciate prayers for continued direction, if you think of me.

But at the moment, if you're wondering. I'm content. I'm happy (strangely enough) at being in La Crete, knowing that for this moment, this is where God wants me. I'm not necessarily satisfied, it was never my intention to move back to La Crete for an extended period of time, but I am content.

And I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God has plans for me. So I surrender life into His control :)

Love and Grace

Grace, grace, God's grace...

The lines of the chorus to that hymn are playing over and over again in my head this morning.

Grace greater than all our sin

Grace greater than ALL our sin. The Wednesday night Bible study that I attend, is going through Philip Yancey's book What's So Amazing About Grace? For me, the theme of unconditional love, keeps popping up in day to day life: conversations with friends, experiences at work, podcasts, sermons, Sunday School, Bible readings.

I have 2 thoughts running through my head this morning.

First: the act of grace is a result of the love one has for another.

Second: God commands us to love as He loves, and His love is completely unconditional.

Let's start with the second thought. It hit me yesterday during the church service, God's love is completely unconditional. Romans 5:8 says, "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (NKJV)

We are loved by God whether we have accepted His gift of salvation or not. We are loved by God if we are murderers, thieves, rapists, addicted to child pornography, liars, rebellious, lazy, addicted to food or drugs or sex. We are loved by God even after we have rejected Him. We are loved by God if we've accepted His gift of salvation and then chosen to walk away from Him. We are loved by God, even if we've never heard His name. God's love, in itself, is unconditional, non-performance based. There is nothing we can do, or not do, that can cause God to love us more or less. And that is true for every individual that has ever, and will ever, live and breathe on this earth.

(Please note, I am not saying every individual has received salvation, totally different topic...just God's love is completely unconditional. Read Romans 8).

God, in His love for us, chose to extend a gift of life to us, the gift of grace, something that is really to wonderful for us to fully comprehend. Grace covers all our sin. There is nothing to horrible for grace to cover. There is nothing left exposed, it washes clean a lifetime of impurity and naked, awful sin.

I'm not defining grace, just speaking of its action.

It is grace that says, you have hurt me incredibly, but I choose to forgive. It is grace that says, yes, you've messed up, and will probably mess up again, but I allow you back in my life. It is grace that says, we can move past this, this relationship can be stronger.

Those are vague interpretations of real, messy life situations, where hurt cuts deeps, and life doesn't seem as if it will ever be put together again. But the choice to love and to extend grace, no matter what the other person has done, that is the mark of a Spirit-filled believer.

I want to close with this Scripture from 1 John 4:7-16,

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved GOd, ut that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God t any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected un us. By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.

There is so much more to be said of grace and of love, and what the outworking of the two should look like in our lives.

These 2 topics have been major themes of my life this year, and there will probably be many more posts on these topics in the weeks and months to come, but for now, something to think about, for me and you...

Can others tell I follow Christ by the love and grace I show in my relationships with others?

Silence

I won't talk about the dozens of posts that have been started and left over the past, what is it now, months? They're not really worth mentioning. Some of them may be refined and finished one day, but for now, they can stay forgotten, silent.

Today I want to thank God for the community we find in people, in believers, in those who choose to walk beside.

I have been silent lately. My brain has been unable to finish posts. There have been few facebook messages, even fewer emails. Texting has been bare minimum, phone calls still rarer. I converse with people as I see them, but not deeply, not vulnerably. I haven't spoken about things on my mind; there have been vague answers to questions such as: how are you doing? what are you planning?

I'm struggling at investing into people beyond my own family, the only people that I know without a shadow of a doubt will be in my life forever, tied together with the same breath and blood.

My time with God has also been silent. Quiet. Still. Not the good kind of still, but the kind of still that just ends in silence, an old couple in the room with air thick with all the words never spoken, things never forgiven, acts never praised.

For me, this is odd. I who love communication, have been able to find no way to truly communicate on any level.

Yesterday evening, the dam began to burst. I cried. I went to sleep. I woke up. Went to church. Had an awesome time with my family. Left for home. Ran out of gas on the side of the road. Got home. Cried some. Let the silence settle over me again.

Believe me when I say, I had no intention of lifting the silence. The silence is comfortable. It's not hard. It's an endless, mindless, nothing has to hurt, or be processed, or be ugly or even beautiful. In the silence, I don't have to figure anything out; I don't have to try; I can just exist--float, even.

But it's not really beneficial, or healthy, and God knows this.

So, I stomped over to a friend's place this evening. Someone I feel free to laugh with, cry with, yell with; someone who's as close to being in the same shoes as I'm in at this stage in my life.

And she let me rant. And I let her rant. And we were honest.

We talked about where we're really at with God, and how we're really frustrated, and how, life can be disappointing, both of us planning on being overseas, and both of us here, a place where we never thought we'd live again, and both of us just unsure, and going through various phases of reverse culture shock.

And God moved. Somehow, unknown to us, and the silence that's been hanging for weeks, lifted. We laughed, we cried, we laughed, we talked, we cried, we prayed. We laughed, we talked, we committed to holding each other accountable.

I walked home. She went to bed. Tomorrow might be equally as hard. Tomorrow might be a failure. Tomorrow might be brushing off everything that happens, and just existing, mindlessly. But tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll message her, she'll message me, and then we'll try again the next tomorrow.

Because the silence has been broken. The secret's out. The devil has no more power over the assumption of words left unspoken, and in our honesty, there is freedom, there is liberty, there is room for God to act.

He will act. He will grow us. He will send us out, again, to places never reached, to people who've never heard. He will deepen our relationships to Him; He will never stop drawing us to Himself.

The silence doesn't have to be. The cloud doesn't have to always hang.

God put us in community for a reason. If you're struggling reach out today, pray with someone. Be brave. Break the silence and walk forward in freedom. 

My September Challenge

My challenge for September was to be accomplished.

Unfortunately, most of my goals set out by myself in June for this September were finished by the time September 1st rolled around. So I've been a little stuck for this month. And it's already the 19th so the month is almost over.

I'm still doing my journal challenge, which I'll hopefully share with you all next week sometime. But I decided to rather give you a short update on what God has been sharing with me through the last few weeks.

Mostly, God has been telling me, "Spend time with Me!"

Before I left the Cooks, the base directors told me to make sure that I kept up my relationship with God. In missions, it's easy to make God part of our work, seeking for His guidance for that day or for that meeting, and then going into vacation mode when we don't have to seek the Scriptures or spend so much personal time listening for His voice.

So I've been learning just to grow in my relationship with God, walking it out day by day with Him. It's been hard but good. I'm slowly learning how much God really just wants to be part of my every day.

After my time in Pittsburgh, I have been at peace. I'm at peace being in La Crete. I'm not running from place to place in my head, making plan after plan. I still don't want to be here long-term, but God is settling something in my heart and mind.

I'm happy because I know I'm exactly where He wants me. I'm even happy if I end up staying in Canada for longer than anticipated or if stuff doesn't go exactly according to my plan.

Something happened in my week away from La Crete that set me free.

God has given me things to pray for, people to invest in, new things to try.

He's speaking to me in the every day. He's walking with me all the way.

I'm loving it. And this walking out simple obedience...this has the markings of the greatest adventure!

Till next time...

How is God asking you to walk in the every day?

Pittsburgh

So, as many of you know, I spent some time in the lovely city of Pittsburgh. My sister made a two year commitment to YWAM Pittsburgh. I wanted to see where she was moving, and I wanted to travel.

I also needed a retreat, a time to draw to God without the distraction of many people, and the pull of commitments and schedules.

I needed to reflect, reevaluate where I was at, what God was asking from me.

Pittsburgh is an amazing city, beautiful with red brick houses, narrow, winding streets, and lots of foliage. The people of Pittsburgh are beautiful, distinct, their own. Music, laughter, sass. They have their own heartache as well, but God's grace is so great, and the staff at YWAM Pittsburgh are reaching out into many neighborhoods and communities. God is moving. God is good.

The base is in an old monastery. Stained glass windows line the chapel walls. I spent quite a bit of my time there, seeking God's face, His presence, His words.

I wrote a lot in my journal, set aside a whole page for "What God was telling me." The mumble-jumble of chaotic feelings roiling around in my soul, becoming clearer as I sought His presence.

"At the feet of Jesus" kept coming to me. God's whispers over and over again, I want to spend more time with you. & you need this time with me resounded over and over again in my soul.

Then I left for Edmonton, spent some time with some amazing girls who are all working and going to school, all with hearts for God, wanting to make a difference wherever they are.

Again, God whispered, I need time with you.

Then today, after travelling, running in the early morning frost, The Holy Spirit teaches and online this morning, post after post, blog after blog, Spend time with God, Draw away with God.

I think God is telling me something. Maybe He's telling you the same thing.

Spend time with Him.

Salvation is not so much about saving you from eternal hell-fire, as it is restoring a broken relationship with the Father, restoring the ability to come into Communion with your Maker.

Our lives don't progress spiritually when we don't steal away with God. We lose direction, we lose focus, we lose fire. We become full of good intentions instead of becoming full of the Holy Spirit, and our actions become shadows of the lives God really intended for us to practice.

So, steal away with Him...

Be still and know that He is God!

August's Challenge: To Be Joyful

Like I wrote last week, my challenge to myself for the month of August was to be joyful, to praise, to give thanks and to find the good in things.

A grateful heart is a joyful heart. Or so I've come to believe.

Rewind a bit, for those of you who may not know. I decided to give myself a 6 month challenge, actively pursuing the character I want in order to leave behind the legacy I want to be known for.

This is month 2. Joy. Joy in difficult circumstances, mundane circumstances, ALL circumstances. Last week I confessed that I often struggle with depression. Depression, however, is not something that I want to be known for, I want to be known for the joy that I can express because of the freedom found in Christ's power over death.

The first logical step in my mind is praise and thankfulness.

Praising God, even in the bad things or hard times, allows you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, shifts my perspective, even when I haven't seen or experienced joy for a long time. 

My challenges for the month were as follows:

1. Find something to praise God for every day

2. Do one nice thing for someone in secret every week

The journal challenge:

100 Things That Make Me Happy

While happiness and joy are not the same thing, finding reasons to be happy also lead to a more joyful heart.

So how did I do this month?

Finding one thing to praise God for every day was interesting. I used the calendar in my day planner for the month of August and wrote down one thing every day. Or almost every day, towards the end of the month I was still praising God for things, but not writing them down. I found that what I praised God for most was people. I knew that I loved people, but it was interesting to me that they were also my happy things, my reason to praise, much more than good circumstances or good things. It will be good for me to remember in the future, when I feel depression hitting. It will make me re-evaluate if I've been with people enough. 

One nice thing for someone in secret was good. Easier than I thought to bless someone, harder to do in secret than I would have imagined. So most of them didn't end up as secrets, more as surprises. I did realize that most of my 'nice things' tended along the same lines, cards, chocolate bars, hugs. I need to learn to express myself in all love languages and in all sorts of ways, so that will be something for me to continue to work on. 

The journal challenge....(sorry for the bad quality photo)

And that's August. 

How and where do you find joy in your life?

Stay tuned for the September challenge:)

A Joyful Heart

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name.

Hebrews 13:15

For those of you who know me well and as others of you may have guessed, I have struggled with maintaining good emotional health since I was a young teen. I have vacillated between minor and severe depression, the days of even-keeled emotion interspersing like bright rainbows between thunderstorms.  

To write this is awkward and I feel myself incredibly vulnerable. 

The last year of my life, was particularly a particularly harsh year. One of my best and truest friends, challenged me to a Joy Dare as a means of looking beyond the darkness that enveloped me. 

I did it, barely, scraping by with the skin of my teeth. I would not do it for days and then find myself thankful for the smallest things. I failed at that Joy Dare. Praise was incredibly hard for me. Finding the positive, not something that I believed I could do. 

But it did something to me. It began a small change in my heart. It a gap in my depression. It revealed a hole in my relationship with God. 

I had spent years performing for God, expecting my reward in return, when in reality, God didn't want my performance. He wanted me. He wanted me in joy or in sorrow, in sickness or in health. He wanted me. He still wants me. 

More than that, He wants to offer Himself to myself. He wants a relationship, not an act, not a performance. He wants to give Himself to me, wants me to know Him, the same way He knows me. 

Grace. Thankfulness. Praise. 

Part of the legacy that I want to leave behind is a legacy of praise, of someone who can be thankful, joyful, experience His grace, in the hardest of circumstances. I want to reflect His grace, His being in every circumstance. 

My challenge to myself for August, PRAISE. A joyful heart. To find something to be thankful for in every circumstance. 

It's working. Not every day has been perfect, and there have been days that all I have wanted to do is crawl under the covers, to wait til the day was over. 

There have been numerous days this month, where God is just silent. Where it seems like there is no reason to continue on in praise or in pursuit of Him. 

But I have to remind myself that in the silence is where I'll hear His voice. That I can and will be joyful. That He is worthy, even if I'm not. 

Praise, praise, praise. 

A joyful heart will become a thankful heart. A joyful heart will become a loving heart. A joyful heart will become a heart that's full of grace. 

How can you draw nearer to His heart today?

When Good-Bye Might Not Be Good-Bye: A Request for Prayer

I didn't go to church this morning. I went for a run instead. Before anyone falls over from shock, please let me back up and explain.

I wrote that last week Sunday, not yesterday, last week Sunday. There is complete silence in my heart at the moment.

I need direction. I need a word from God. I need prayer.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I was approached by the directors of YWAM Cook Islands. I was asked to pray about coming back for part of the year to help, no commitment, no expectation of me coming back for good.

All my heart wants to do is go back. I have prayed about this for 3 weeks. I come to God over and over again. Every free moment is spent thinking of this, pros, cons, desires, ways, schemes, emotions.

God isn't giving me a clear answer. The mission board thinks it is too soon for me to go anywhere. My mom wants me to go more than anything.

My heart has decided it's going. When my brain tries to tell my heart that it might not be going, my heart is devastated, brought to tears, it weeps.

My brain sees the logic: I don't have any funding. I might not have a job when I come back. I need to find someone to take my place in my apartment. I have a fragile relationship with my home church after being gone for so long.

My brain also fears: I was on the verge of burnout when I left, what if I'm not healthy enough to go? What if I'm swamped by loneliness again? I said good-bye, people have moved on, what if there's really no room or place for me. Besides how could good-bye not be good-bye?

But my heart, my heart longs for the tides of the ocean, the normalcy, the expectancy of life in the Cook Islands. My heart longs to serve, to be useful. My heart longs to draw to God in the midst of corporate worship. More than that, my heart longs for friends, family, home that has been left behind.

Even as I write this, I'm crying. Granted, I'm a fairly emotional person, but a large part of my heart is forever in the Cook Islands.

My heart and head are in a chaotic fog. I need definite direction. Something clear, definitive, to hear God even though I can't decide on my own.

I am ready to step forward in faith, believing God would have me go, 6 short weeks from today. I long to do so. I am ready to stay if God would have me stay.

I need to hear His voice. I need Him to speak.

If you're reading this, I would appreciate and value your prayers. I believe that God has something in store for me, I believe He has an answer, a desire for what He'd have me do for the rest of the year. I also believe that He can bring peace to this, whatever the answer.

Thank you.

Reflection & Procrastination

I run. Kind of. Sort of, maybe I guess. More like I jog. That's what I should say, I jog. I'm hoping to run one day, like truly run, run like the wind and all that. But for now, let's say, I jog. I'm training to run/jog a 5K. It's been 5 weeks now and I go down to the walking trails by the lake and I jog. There's this tiny little hill halfway, and I avoid having to run it at all costs. I time myself to walk it, to turn around before it, sometimes I even skip my run because of it. I'm enjoying running, but I hate that hill.

It's causing me a slight dilemma, because at the end of next week, I'm supposed to be able to run/jog 5K. That means I have to run over the hill twice. My procrastination in running over that hill, although it makes me life easier for a short time, actually hinders me from having trained well for the long-term.

My point is, procrastination, although comfortable, isn't really something that makes me or my life better.

I'm telling you this, because I'm supposed to be updating you on how my July challenge went. I challenged myself to be at rest, physically, emotionally, and in the presence of God. The month is over and I have been procrastinating the update. But finally, I am sitting here with coffee and a chocolate waffle, reflecting, how did I do?

I had a few basic goals:

• Regular quiet/devotional times
• Aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night
• Doing things just because I wanted to
• Experiencing new things

My journal challenge was:

100 Things That I Love

I challenged myself to rest because I am, quite honestly, a workaholic. I cram my life full of projects, people, and work. I love it. I love being busy. But I get overtired, I get cranky, I snap, and I'm realizing that I can't run forever.

I want my life to be centered around the presence of God. I want my doing to flow out of a deep well of time well-spent with Him. I want my actions and words to reflect my relationship with my heavenly Father.

And for me, that means slowing down, taking time to reflect, taking time to pause in the wonder of who He is; experience small and simple things that I would otherwise overlook. Life isn't meant to be hurried. Someone once told me, life is a marathon, not a sprint, so teach yourself to run accordingly.

So, how did I do?

My time with God, daily and growing. I'm learning to drink long and deep from His well, knowing that true worship and true intimacy stem from a place of humility and surrender before Him. Still need to practice more, still need to grow more, but I think that a relationship with God never stops growing or going deeper, so I'm okay with how far I've come.

Aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night. This is my epic fail for the month. I have not physically rested as much as I should have, and so I need to look at really setting some sort of schedule so that my body gets used to a certain amount of rest a night. If anyone has any suggestions...please send me a message or give me a call! I'd love to hear some suggestions.

The third challenge: doing things, not out of obligation or personal pressure, but simply for enjoyment. I'd say yes and no. I did it, but not as consistently as I would have liked. I made jam, for the sheer pleasure of making something useful and beautiful. I started to write a children's story (at 3am one night). I've gone for coffee and visited friends, had people over in my home. I went berry-picking. But I've also let the busyness of work and obligation hamper my enthusiasm for enjoyment. Work in progress.

The final challenge, the one of experiencing new things, I kinda scrapped. I wasn't sure what I could consider as new, so I focused more on experience. Slowing down enough to listen to the sounds of nature. Sipping coffee quietly. Savoring flavours. Laughing because, no other reason. Slowing down enough to experience things, not just do things, opens a whole new world, brings beauty and thankfulness into the everyday. It's been good.

And the journal challenge. So far, I have listed about 60 Things That I Love. In my head, I have a lot more. So once I've finished writing, I'll take a picture and post it here, if I can manage the technological aspects of doing that.

So July, a month at rest. More to grow in, but some definite life skills and lessons learned. It's been great.

August's challenge: to be thankful. I'll keep you posted. Also, looking to update in the near future of what may or may not be happening in my life the next few months, so stay tuned!

A 6 Month Challenge

This post has been a long time coming. I actually started writing it at the beginning of the month. But it's been sitting on the back burner while I've been working out different things that God has for me. And also, there has been much procrastination. But I read this article today, (8 Things You Should Know About Yourself) shared on Facebook by YWAM, and it re-inspired me to sit down and actually write this post.

The past year, as those of you who know me well know, has been a difficult year. But it has been a good year. There has been so much growth in my life. 

Recently I've been challenged. I had a birthday in June, and turned 25. If I wasn't before, I am now, more than ever, an adult. I've spent a good deal of time thinking about who I am as a person, and where I want to go with my life. 

I want my life to count. I want there to be meaning and purpose to all that I do. I want to leave a legacy that is positive. But I've also realized that the past year, has clipped my wings. I've lost bits and pieces of myself, what I enjoy, how I respond to situations, what my dreams are. 

So I've made a challenge for myself. A 6 Month Challenge...to help me get back a bit of who I am, to understand what it is that makes me tick, to know what I'm striving for, where I'm heading. 

My challenge for July was to be at rest. To take the time to rest in who God is, to get enough physical rest (I tend to overwork myself), and to enjoy things. 

So far, I'm growing in it. I've definitely slowed down my life, but I have more to learn, and more to put into practice. The month's not over yet, and I'll be reporting on how the month has gone next week. I'll be keeping you posted. 

A Look Ahead:

August: To Be Joyful

September: To Be Accomplished

October: To Be A Worshiper

November: To Be Educated

December: To Be Generous

We'll see how the challenge goes. I'm not always the most dedicated, but I'm really going to try!

This post has been inspired by an inordinate number of people, books, podcasts and life experiences. A shout-out goes to some amazing women of God (Kate Moala, Esther Wong, Karen Neustaeter & Annie Goertzen, as well as all my aunties, sisters & mother), to the books 'Becoming Myself' (Stasi Eldredge), Leading on Empty (Wayne Cordeiro) and A Year of Biblical Womanhood (Rachel Held Evans), as well as to a podcast, Living a 100 Year Legacy (Jesus Culture #jclp), for the main sources of inspiration. 

Something to Read

So it's been awhile since I've written anything. Not that the intention hasn't been to write, just busyness and people have taken up a lot of time :)

I don't really have anything to write at the moment, but I do want to feature this article. A lot of what is in this article is what I've been thinking about lately, as I pray about where & what God has next for me.

I hope that you enjoy it. I hope that God speaks to you through it, as He did to me.

Blessings on your Sunday...or whatever day of the week you're on.

Here's the link...

http://www.alifeoverseas.com/is-jesus-a-liar/

In Response to "Grief"

I've subscribed to an online community of bloggers made up of women on the mission field and ministry. A few days ago, a blog on grief was featured.

http://velvetashes.com/the-grove-grief/

I almost didn't read it. The title itself salt to my gaping wound. But I felt a small still voice whisper, "read it."

So I did.

Grief.

A younger version of me, bonded quickly, deeply, sure that souls bound together once would stay bound forever.

The older version of me is wary, aware of hurt, aware of promises to stay in touch and the absolute reality of time, distance, and life moving on.

Friendship hurts. People hurt. Missions hurts.

Moving off the mission field for a time of redirection, transition, rest, makes me aware of relationship in keener, sharper ways.

People move on.

For me, coming home has been a time of sorrow in the midst of joy. Seeing people long-lost, once homesick for, and then reeling from the disconnect. At the same time, trying to stay connected with new friends and family in the countries and places you've left behind, finding that you get lost in the gaps made by time difference and the pressures of what is absolutely necessary in their lives.

I have cried myself to sleep countless times, the black of loneliness descending in those most hollow, empty moments, before I drift off to sleep. Sometimes clinging to the reality that God is holding me as I fall asleep in His arms. Other times, in darker moments, feeling an utter disconnect from my heavenly Father.

Grief is definitely, undeniably hard.

It is also necessary. To quote, "Grief is a herald, proclaiming someone or something mattered to you."

Before I left the field, someone said to me, "It will be hard, but grieve well."

It is easier to want to build a bridge, to walk over the chasm of emotion roiling deep inside.

Easier, but not better.

I don't really know how to grieve. I just know that I do. Sometimes, it is good to let the tears, even the anger, rush forth. Other times, when despondency crashes in, it is necessary to lift my head, and praise, walk forward into what God has for me.

I don't like to grieve. But it's important. It means that I have loved. And, oh so unfortunately, that something I love has been taken from me. I have experienced loss. People, places, cultures, situations, that have helped form me, birth me into who I am today, they matter. Even though they are not physically part of my life anymore, I will carry them forever woven into my soul.

So grief. Good. Bad. Neutral. I'm honestly not sure. But there is still hope.

I was reading another post today (http://www.jessxshin.blogspot.ca/), of someones reflection over the last year of transition. There were dark moments, dark days, but at the end, there was hope.

As there should be. We serve a God who is the giver of life, the bringer of hope, the healer. And this is the God I serve. I choose to walk in His ways. In time, I will see, know, hope, healing, even in the midst of grief.

People....

I have had an amazingly full weekend full of friends and family. Showers, weddings, catch-ups with high school and junior high school friends, family gatherings, church...

My weekend has abounded with people.

I have loved every moment of it. Even through sickness, not sleeping, and a normal job, these moments have been amazing.

And God has been prompting at my heart door...this is the reason I came, this is the reason you're here.

People matter. So much more than projects or ideas or opinions. God didn't send His Son to earth for projects or clean houses or things. He came for one reason, people.

When I was still writing for YWAM Cook Islands, I wrote a post (http://ywamcookislands.blogspot.ca/2014_01_01_archive.html) and I wrote the lyrics of a song, God loves people more than anything...(See the blog for complete lyrics).

That has been the overlying theme God has placed on my heart in the past few years. I'm learning it deeper and in more ways every day.

God loves people. He came for relationship. He came that we may have life and that we may have it abundantly.

And so what does that mean? How does that change the way that I treat people? How does that change the way that I organize and prioritize my day? What is most important to me? What do I value?

Honestly, sometimes I get stuck. I work for the sake of work. I do missions for the sake of missions. I do hobbies because I enjoy them. (FYI: there's nothing wrong with hobbies, work or missions, that's not what I'm getting at). Sometimes I forget that this is really about people. This is about restoring people to a relationship with a heavenly Father. This is about wholeness and true life.

God is teaching me, because often I'm quick to judge, slow to listen, slow to love. Often, I'm concerned with how people see me, concerned with my own reputation.

When I read the gospels, I don't see any of that in Jesus' life or ministry.

If a friend came up to you and confessed he'd committed adultery, what would you do? If a sister came up to you and confided that she was in bondage to lust or lying, how would you respond? Would you view that individual differently? Would you view them as dirty or unworthy?

Honestly, for much of my Christian life, I had a problem with other peoples' sin. I judged harshly, quickly, demanding a standard few people could live up to unless bound up in legalism and pride. I tried to love, but I so often fell short. I wanted to love people, and so often failed.

God is changing me. As a child, I accepted a challenge to read 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter, every morning and evening for a month, and ask God to teach me to love others the way He commanded.

I grew older, and my desire to love diminished into laws and the need to obey every letter of the law. Then life happened. I failed. I failed at so many things, failed so many people. I messed up, screwed up, put bluntly, failed. Failed at life, failed at relationships, failed at pursuing God's heart. And God began to change me. He has brought me over and over again to 1 Corinthians 13, to 1 John, to many passages in the gospels of Christ's sacrificial love. He brought me to books on relationships, on the love languages, on serving. I'm learning, slowly, tediously, what it means to truly love others, to love others the way Christ loved the church.

It is hard. But it is His heart. It doesn't convenience me in any way. But it is His heart. It continually puts me last, when I so selfishly want to be first. But it is His heart.

I'm learning that this is missions. It's not about a program, or numbers, or projects. It's about people. It has the ability to happen anywhere. From family to friends to the workplace to ministry. It is God's heart to rescue the lost, to restore them, to love on them through us, His children.

God loves people more than anything, More than anything He wants them to know, He'd rather die than let them go...

Hopefully, this is a lesson I'll never stop learning...and I'll never stop sharing...

John 8

I'm stuck in John at the moment. I started reading through the New Testament at the beginning of the year. We're halfway through the year and I am still in John 8. Truth be told, I've been in John 8 for a whole week. There's a good possibility that I'll be in John 8 for another week.

The chapter heading in my bible reads, An Adulteress Faces the Light of the World. The story is simple and yet, so profound.

Jesus comes down from the Mount of Olives, early in the morning, dawn is still breaking over the horizon, and begins to teach, at the temple. I imagine there are crowds of people, all around Him, pressing up to Him, the early morning sun is probably giving way to noon's heat. I imagine, dusty roads, dusty crowds, people clamoring for attention and a continual hushing as others try to hear His words. Everyone wants to be with Jesus.

All of a sudden, tall, prideful men push into the centre of the crowd, striding forward until they stand right in front of Jesus. With them is a woman, beautiful, ashamed, meek, doing nothing to hide her sin, tears slipping down her face, she is guilty. She is also sorry.

The men, don't care for her heart, they don't care of her past, they don't see her at all, really, they just know that maybe, with her, they can finally find something to accuse Jesus with.

They have seen the way Jesus acts. His crazy love for people. The way He mingles with sinners, even prostitutes! He's healed on the Sabbath, touched the untouchable. He claims to be God. But surely, here, Jesus' compassion will finally get the best of Him. Clearly, in this case, He has to abide by the law. This woman, must die. Her sin is so great, so obvious, surely she must pay for her actions...

Jesus says nothing. Just stoops down. Writes in the sand. They continue to pester Him, asking over and over again, confident, cocky, sure that His silence means they have finally trapped Him. And so they keep asking.

Jesus raises Himself up and with one sentence He silences them, The one who is without sin can cast the first stone. And He bends down again, continues writing in the dust, silent, sure.

The questioning stops. The condemnation is silenced.

My Bible says that those who heard it were convicted by their conscience and went out, one by one. They left the crowd, from the oldest even to the last. No one was able to stay. All were convicted. Every single one could not say that they had wholly abided by the law. All were guilty. All needed to be stoned.

In time, Jesus raises Himself again, and no one is there, except the accused. She is the lonely remainder. The accusers have left. She stands, and I imagine, is afraid, confused, relieved, unsure of what has just happened. She has escaped certain death, and only one strange man now looks at her, kindness in His eyes.

"Woman," He says, "Where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, lord," she replies.

"Neither do I condemn you. Go, be free, sin no more." I'm sure she leaves in that moment. I am sure she goes with hope in her heart, she has met the Light.

God's love is dust-like, brown in colour...(For other colours see Green, Yellow, Orange, White). It is evidenced in His creation of mankind, created in His image, created out of dust. It is apparent in sending Christ to earth, as man, created out of dust, sent not to enforce the law, but to fulfill the Law. His love is found in John 8, as He stoops, writing in the sand, shown not only to the woman accused, but to her accusers as well...understanding their need for conviction, their need for grace, their need for a Saviour.

I have two thoughts when I read this story:
The first is...Why do we spend so much time condemning and judging one another's sin, horrible as it may be, when we are also all guilty, not one better than the other? There is not one of us without sin, and yet so often we drag others through the dust, bring them to Jesus' feet, crying out see here, this one deserves to die.
The second is...God teach me to love my accusers. Lest in my feelings towards them, I become the accuser rather than the accused. Teach me to love like You love!

Teach me to love without hypocrisy or deceit. Teach me to love with longsuffering and patience, with all kindness in every situation, without jealousy of any sort. Teach me to love in humility, without rudeness or self-centredness. Teach me to love in such a way that is part of my being, that I am never provoked, so that I think no evil or rejoice in sin. Teach me to love with a love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Teach me to love with such a love that I would willingly lay down my life, not just for my brother, my sister, my friend, but also for all those that would be my accusers. Transform me God!

Lessons in Stillness

I am learning, here, to be still. To lie quietly and listen to the wind in the trees. To feel the hot breath of summer burn through jeans. To hear nothing but my own heart beating.

The last few years have been busy. I have made sure that my Christianity was intact, confessed my sin, worshiped before God, prayed, ministered, served. But I have somehow forgotten that the best of this flows out of soul, whole, complete in God.

Be still and know that I am God.

Somehow, my soul is slightly crippled, a little brittle, hard instead of soft. I have forgotten the joy of people, the peace of silence, how to truly love so that love is something that flows out of me into the world around me.

I have done all the right things, with a heart that desired right, but was lost in doing.

Be still and know that I am God.

There are many reasons, I can see, that I am back in La Crete, but this is the one that keeps coming to mind every day. Be still and know that I am God. How do I do that? What is stillness? How do I choose to live in a place where what I do flows from a place of rest, of knowing who God is? How do I constantly live from a place of surrender?

My perfect day daydream is to wake up with early morning streaming through the window, throwing on jeans and a tank top, and padding barefoot upstairs. (Yes, I am a nerd, and when I daydream, I pad barefoot up the stairs.) I make myself a steaming cup of coffee, take my Bible, my journal, whatever books I'm reading, my gel pens and possibly my laptop, to a little table or big soft comfy chair, and listen, write, read, learn. Later on I make myself a bagel with peanut butter, and then I write and read and listen some more. Friends come over, I chat, build relationships, enjoy life. I take photos, draw, bake things. I live, but not only to live, to experience, and then share the joy of experience with others. That's my perfect day daydream. People are influenced, lives are changed through relationship, and my heart is still.

So if that's my perfect day daydream, it's probably a very simple one. But do I accomplish that?

Be still and know that I am God.

As a child, my days stretched long, there was so much room to imagine, create, learn and grow. I never found myself wishing for more time, in fact, I don't think that I ever even thought of time, except for Christmas or my birthday where the thought of 3 more days seemed forever. Now 3 more days would just not be enough time. So what changed? Is this simply a rite of adulthood? Time passing too quickly, never having the time to enjoy stillness, simplicity, people?

Be still.

Know.

I am God.

I think often, I try to play God. I do too many things. Control too much. Worry about small things. Forever run lists in my head. Start project after project. Do my best to be accomplished. Rush to church, rush to Bible study, rush to ministry. I do lots of things. I take a lot on myself. I forget to surrender.

If God is truly God, my work will be worship, it will be enjoyable, I will have peace. The people that come alongside, quirky or difficult, will be joys, treasures. I will not strive to have more time because each moment, long or short, will be perfectly allotted. I will live in surrender, freely, constantly before a throne of grace. His presence indelibly imprinted on my heart.

My days will flow from a softness of spirit, a soul found in the presence of God. Days will be treasures. Busyness will be welcome. I have rested in the presence of God. I have found stillness. I have let God be God.

#stillness #rest #worship 

An Honest Look at How I'm Doing

Just a small warning, what you are about to read is complete honesty, so if you're okay with that, keep reading, if not...maybe don't read the rest of this post.

People keep asking me, how are you doing? Are you glad to be home? Yes, I say, with a smile on the outside, and a grimace on the inside.

The grimace is not that I'm not glad to be home. I mean it is good to be home, here, with friends and family. The grimace is there, because this is home. What does that mean? you might be asking yourself.

It means, I'm home. This is not a place I've called home for the past 6 years. I don't identify or fit in any longer; my friends have moved on, even my family has moved on, grown, become different, not what I expected. Every day is like relearning a culture that should be familiar because it shaped who I am today, but is so foreign, because I think differently, act differently than before. Life, experience, has changed me.

It means, I'm home. And I have to remind myself everyday, this is where you live now. It's been about 7 weeks, and it still hasn't sunk in that this is where I live. This is me for the next who knows how long. I have to put down roots again, unpack the suitcases, settle.

It means, I'm home. I've cut ties with my family and friends in the Cooks, and now matter how much I miss them, they're not part of my everyday home anymore. I have to move on, stop clinging to the past, accept what God has for me here. It means, I'm home. No matter how homesick I am for past homes, past people, it's time to learn how to do things here, how to build relationships here.

I don't want to accept this. And that's why I smile on the outside, and grimace on the inside. Because even though God is very good, and He is continually assuring me that I am in the right place (even though I'm continually questioning Him), this is very hard. This is starting a whole new life. I praise God and thank Him that He has all things in control, that He knows what He is doing...
But I still want to be out there. I still wonder what He is doing.

I know this will take time. I know that the adjusting will take awhile, I haven't even been in Canada for 2 months yet, I know that it is okay to be sad, to miss what I've left behind, to long to know what is my future. I know this, but it's hard, and that's why I'm writing this post, mostly just to process, but also to ask just for continual prayers as I walk this new season of my life. I believe that God has good things in store and He has already brought so much blessing in my life...

I'm just thankful that I don't have to walk this alone. He is always with me.

For some interesting further reading:
Check out:
http://www.alifeoverseas.com/when-friends-do-the-next-right-thing/

Sabbath Worship

According to Mark Buchanan, true Sabbath is defined as an act of ceasing from that which is necessary in order to embrace that which gives life.

I read that, and I thought, wow! 

Let me repeat the definition again: to observe the Sabbath is to cease from the necessary in order to embrace the Giver of Life. 

Sabbath is then, not necessarily a day or period of time, but an attitude of the heart, a desire to drop everything that causes worry, heartache, stress, and run with arms wide open into the presence of an all-knowing, completely deserving, love-filled God!

God has always been more concerned with our hearts than our lip-service, or even hand-service. Over and over again we read that He requires obedience and not sacrifice. In the prophets we read of the Israelites questioning God, "Why have we afflicted our souls and you have not heard?" And God's reply comes down to, "Because you have not humbled your hearts before Me."

Did you know that the command to keep the Sabbath is the only one of the 10 commandments that Jesus did not repeat as a command in the New Testament? I find it interesting. 

Is it possible that because the veil was torn, we no longer have to set aside a day to enter into God's presence, rather we have the freedom to access the throne room at any time, with our petitions and also our worship?

I find that worship is at times a tricky subject. Certain people define it one way, others another. But I think that worship should be defined with this same definition as Buchanan defined the Sabbath: to cease from the necessary, that is, the thoughts, worries, cares of everyday life, in order to embrace Christ. To have this attitude, to walk in tandem with our Father in all that we do, surrendering to Him, exalting Him, with hearts soft to His presence, alive with His Life! 

God is present and reachable anywhere, at anytime. There are no set rules to follow, words to be spoken, or rituals that need to be done, in order to come into the presence of God. I have been able to worship God in a room full of unbelievers, in places dark without the presence of God. You can worship raising your hands, or lying prostrate on the floor. You can worship in the absence of music or the overwhelming presence of it. 

True worship is not a position of the body, but an attitude of the heart, much like a true keeping of the Sabbath. Sabbath was not a day for rules, but a day set aside to remember what God had done, who He was! It was a physical reminder of what the attitude of our hearts should be, a re-alignment of hearts before a holy God. 

Worship is this, abandoning yourself because there is One so much greater. He is worthy, He is good, He is life. 

And that Life breathes deep into the deadest souls. It is like a rustling wind that builds into a great storm, wreaking havoc on what is familiar and well-known, breaking boundaries and building new pathways, transforming the landscape of our souls from bleak and barren, to well-watered and fruitful, so that we ourselves spill over with His life until others are touched, moved themselves to be living worshipers, keepers of the Sabbath, embracers of LIFE!

#markbuchanan #therestofGod #worship #sabbath

More!

On January 12, 2014, I wrote in my day planner:

I believe that God has something MORE for us this year.

Today is May 25, 2014. Almost FIVE whole months of 2014 are gone. Where is the MORE?

I'm asking that because this year has not gone the way I planned or hoped for. I thought I was staying in the Cook Islands. I had dreams of ministry; I had feelings of new growth, new hope for this year. 

God changed my plans. 

Which is fine. I'm actually happy that God didn't stay inside the box I made for Him and that He didn't allow me to stay in the box I made for myself. God is bigger than that, and He knows what's best.

Today, yesterday, this past week, however, have left me with a huge longing in my heart. A longing for MORE. A desire for change, a hunger for God, a need to be used by God. 

If it's ok for me to write this, this past week I have been afraid. Afraid that the more I believed for the year isn't going to happen. 

I want to see lives changed this year. I want to see churches, communities and nations run after the presence of God. I want to feel God's presence with me. I want to see blessing in the midst of difficulty. I want to see people go, into nations, into homes, into workplaces with a hunger and fire for God. I want to know what God has for me personally. I want to know where I'm going next, I want that next chapter in my life. 

This morning, we had a guest preacher in church. He preached a wonderful message. He spoke on redeeming time. 

Ephesians 5:15-16 "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." (NKJV)

What if the reason that I haven't seen the MORE is because I haven't redeemed my time? What if these past 5 months have felt empty because I've been spending my time on things that weren't necessarily the best use of my time?

Have I spent the right amount of time in the word? In prayer? Building relationships? Seeking God's heart? Talking to others about God? 

I can't necessarily say that I have or haven't. I'm just thinking about this now and I'm realizing that it's something I need to take up with God. 

But I think it's a question we should all ask ourselves: Am I redeeming my time? Am I making it count? 

This is a longer blog than I'd usually write, but I was reading in Luke this evening...

Luke 21:37-38 says, "In the daytime He was teaching in the temple, but at night He went out and stayed on the mountain called Olivet. Then early in the morning all the people came to the temple to hear Him."

It doesn't say it here, but other places we read that Jesus went to the mountain to pray, to spend time in the presence of the Father. Jesus's more here on earth came from a place of quiet, a place of listening to the Father. A place where He could rest in God and receive strength. Jesus's more came directly from the Father's heart. 

And in John 14:12, Jesus says, "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and GREATER works than these he will do, because I go to My Father." Think of the works Jesus did, He healed the sick, cast out demons, raised the dead. He taught on relationships, church, missions. He trained disciples and taught multitudes. So where is our more?

I'm going to spend my next few days talking to God about this.I'm going to seek Him, I'm going to ask Him. Because I want the next 7 months of 2014 to be more.

Serve Him

Today...
First key on my key ring, first run, first correct response to stress in probably the last year, first 24 degree day since arriving in Canada, fifth job interview...still only one part-time job I'm not sure is exactly the job for me...

I went to my room after supper and said, God, this is it, You have to speak to me, You have to show me what is happening here. This has pretty much been my prayer when it comes to my personal life since I landed in Vancouver at the beginning of April. 

Jesus tells a story in Luke 18:1-7 about a widow who continued to come to an ungodly judge because she desired justice. The judge would do nothing for her for awhile and then he got fed up. He said, I will get her justice otherwise she will wear me out with her continual asking. Jesus then expands His point by saying, if an unjust judge says this, how much more will God bring justice to His chosen?

Hear God's heart, He is saying, how much more will I answer the prayers of my people? We see this in other places as well, Ask and it will be given to you, Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you...
God longs to answer the prayers of His people, He joys in it and delights in it.

Today, when I went into my bedroom, I prayed, and God brought these verses to mind,
Philippians 2:3-4 "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others."

The verses haven't really clarified to me which job I should take or if I should volunteer this summer. They didn't clarify to me where God wants me next or if maybe He wants me in La Crete for longer than I originally thought.

But they did give me direction for tomorrow, for the rest of the week, for how I'm going to treat people at work and at home:

Look out for the interests of others...

#prayer #direction #service

The Finish Line

I feel the need to post, different topics tumble chaotically around in my head, there are currently at least 2 other posts half-written in my draft list, and every time I sit down, I don't know what to write.

What should I share on? What is God doing in my life? Where is this lifelong adventure taking me? I don't know what to write, especially considering that my life lately doesn't feel very adventurous. Life feels, difficult, a little bit like I'm slogging through some mud hole, trying in vain to put one foot in front of the other.

How many of you find that? Daily life can be drudgery. Pursuing God is hard work. Making life mean something, downright difficult. Impacting people and sharing the gospel often just presents you with rejection after rejection.

Even just thinking about this makes me want to crawl into bed, turn out the lights and hopefully sleep until the world is magically a whole other place. Life doesn't work like that.

A lot of us expect life to be perfect. A lot of us don't want days where we slog through the mud or start sinking in quicksand. We want life to be rosy, for the flowers to smell sweet absolutely 100% all the time. We want to look perfect on the outside, and we struggle in secret through what's happening on the inside.

I think that since the Fall, sometimes our biggest mistake is pretending like there has never been a Fall, like really, sin? What's that? Struggles? I don't have those.

But we're setting ourselves up for failure. And we're setting the body of Christ up for failure as well. God knows that we struggle and that we have days where we just don't get it.

I found a quote online the other day by A.W. Tozer. He said, "It is doubtful that God has ever used a man greatly that He has not hurt deeply." And although that's not really what this post is about, really think about it, life hurts. There is not a person who has ever existed, or ever will exist that hasn't been hurt, wounded, or struggled through chapters of life.

As part of the body of Christ, we are then called to encourage those around us, using our gifts, talents, personalities, to cheer each other on in this race called life. Even when the people on either side of us may be sinking in quicksand. We are part of a body so that we can pull each other out, cover for one another, build each other up in the faith. (Hebrews 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 12...and then SIDE NOTE: think of 1 Corinthians 13, that's not really a chapter on marriage, that's a chapter on what love in the body of Christ should really look like).

No one has ever gone on an adventure and expected it to be easy, or if they have, it's taken them probably all of 30 seconds to realize they got more than they bargained for. All those BMX guys and pro-snowboarders and skateboarders, they didn't get good by not getting hurt, by not getting stuck in the mud, by not taking risks. They did that, but they got themselves unstuck. They failed, and tried again, and tried again, and tried again, until they succeeded. They also have friends, family, people cheering them on, letting them know that whatever the crazy stunts they pull, someone will be right there beside them.

Life, adventure, being a Christian, not easy. Lots of failure. Lots of stuck times. Times too when you want to quit. But you can push through, there is joy, there is freedom, there is a finish line.

How sweet to cross the finish line, with a host of those who've gone before us cheering us on!

How can you encourage someone today?

World News

#world news #onwritingwell #missions

William Zinsser, in On Writing Well, writes, 'A writer will do anything to avoid the act of writing.' Today, yesterday, the past week, for many seasons of my life, I have completely identified with this statement.

My parents finally set up wifi in their home, for weeks I have begged and pleaded for wifi to be set up. I could access the web, write a post a day, be connected, and so when the long-awaited day finally arrived, I sat down to write a post, and did everything else instead.

I have sewed cushions, cleaned, cooked, chatted on facebook, set up instagram and pinterest; I have read, wrestled with my brother, played candy crush for hours and drank untold amounts of coffee...
Still, no post.

Zinsser also comments on the need for writers to force themselves to write. Writing as a career is hard, but in order to do it well, it must be done.

So, I am sitting here this afternoon, and forcing myself to write. Not that this is my career, but this is something that I want to get more involved in.
I think mostly my problem today is actually picking a topic. There's so much on my heart at the moment. I tend to be the kind of person that is involved in a lot of different things. Since coming back from the Cooks I have been involved in nothing. So I've been reading the news, and the news is, well, heart-wrenching.

I don't know how anyone can say that there is no need for missions when you can read of civil wars, children sold into slavery, booming sex trades, murders, violence, cheating, poverty, sickness.

I wonder not only why this is not convincing more people to go, to serve, to set free in the name of Christ, but where is the church?

Are we doing what God called us to do? Are we making an impact? Are we using our spheres of influence to further His kingdom? Are we fulfilling His commands?

Here are links to a few of the news articles I've been reading today:

Nigerian School Girls

Ukraine's Civil War

Polio Outbreaks

I read these and I ask, what are we doing? What am I doing? Sometimes, not much, in my tiny corner of northern Alberta, but the first thing I can do is pray. And God will lead me from there.

What is Missions

#iheartywam #missions 

What I shared with my church this evening....

What is missions? And what is a missionary?

I've thought about this a lot in the past few weeks, having God "call me off the field" so to speak. Does that mean I'm not a missionary anymore?

What is missions? Is it serving overseas? Not really, because then you couldn't serve as a missionary in your home country or continent.

Is it defined by serving cross-culturally? Still no, because people can often have a greater impact serving and being missionaries within their own cultural context.

Are missionaries people who evangelize? Yes, in a sense, but then why do we classify between Christians, pastors, people in ministry, and missions?

There has to be something to define missions.

Is it the living conditions? Is it the hardship, the often lack of physical comfort? Well, these things might add into it, but Christians throughout the world face these things same as anyone else. And with the change of the face of missions, there is often now a greater call into urban centres, into richer nations, who have completely forsaken Gospel they once carried to the far corners of the earth. 

Do people who once served overseas as missionaries and have now returned to their home countries and become involved in other forms of ministry ceased to become missionaries?

Everyone would agree that it is every Christians duty to fulfill the Great Commission. So missionaries can't be defined as people who fulfill the Great Commission, although part of a missionaries job description is the fulfilling of it.

There has to be something to define missions.

I have thought about this and studied this and prayed about this. And I think it comes down to calling. 

Is it some super human ability or special Christian gifting? Not at all, because missionaries are just like everyone else, they fail, they don't have it altogether, most of the time they don't love everyone, sometimes they want people to just go away so they can relax and have some down time.

We are all called to preach the gospel, to disciple and train and baptize. That is the Great Commission, and it doesn't apply to only a select handful of Christians, it applies to all who have called on the name of the Lord for salvation.

So how is a missionary different? They have a different calling. A pastor is called to teach and shepherd his flock, a housewife is called to make a home, a business man is called to excel in business and a teacher to teach faithfully. All of these realms bring us opportunities to share the Word, to influence in multiple ways daily those we come into contact with for Christ.

A missionary has one calling, that is to bring Christ, to everyone they meet, that is their one fire, their one desire, to give up all to see one person saved for the gospel, but all in obedience to Christ, to use business, to use housework, to use nursing as an avenue to preach the gospel, to use whatever profession, whatever means, to reach others for the gospel, but to be willing to give up all because the heartbeat of God drums so passionately for a lost and hurting world. 

Not all of us are called to be missionaries, not all of us should want to be. Missions is incredibly hard and incredibly lonely. No one should feel guilty if God has not called you to missions. 

But I think some of us are, and that's why I'm about to show this video. I've been praying about what to share on this missions report since before I left the Cooks. And this video keeps coming to mind. I'm just asking you to be open, if God speaks to you while it's being played, then spend some time in prayer, earnestly seek Him and ask Him where He'd want you to go and how He'd have you serve. It might be as far from here as the South Pacific or it may be as close to home as your next door neighbor, it might be with a missions organization, it might be on your own initiative, but if God calls you, please, go. There is a lost and dying world all around us. And God has chosen us, chosen us to pray for laborers to be sent into the harvest, chosen us to go into the harvest, we are His chosen vessels to make known, by His Spirit, His plan for eternal life.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5gSuxP9wza4