A Joyful Heart

Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name.

Hebrews 13:15

For those of you who know me well and as others of you may have guessed, I have struggled with maintaining good emotional health since I was a young teen. I have vacillated between minor and severe depression, the days of even-keeled emotion interspersing like bright rainbows between thunderstorms.  

To write this is awkward and I feel myself incredibly vulnerable. 

The last year of my life, was particularly a particularly harsh year. One of my best and truest friends, challenged me to a Joy Dare as a means of looking beyond the darkness that enveloped me. 

I did it, barely, scraping by with the skin of my teeth. I would not do it for days and then find myself thankful for the smallest things. I failed at that Joy Dare. Praise was incredibly hard for me. Finding the positive, not something that I believed I could do. 

But it did something to me. It began a small change in my heart. It a gap in my depression. It revealed a hole in my relationship with God. 

I had spent years performing for God, expecting my reward in return, when in reality, God didn't want my performance. He wanted me. He wanted me in joy or in sorrow, in sickness or in health. He wanted me. He still wants me. 

More than that, He wants to offer Himself to myself. He wants a relationship, not an act, not a performance. He wants to give Himself to me, wants me to know Him, the same way He knows me. 

Grace. Thankfulness. Praise. 

Part of the legacy that I want to leave behind is a legacy of praise, of someone who can be thankful, joyful, experience His grace, in the hardest of circumstances. I want to reflect His grace, His being in every circumstance. 

My challenge to myself for August, PRAISE. A joyful heart. To find something to be thankful for in every circumstance. 

It's working. Not every day has been perfect, and there have been days that all I have wanted to do is crawl under the covers, to wait til the day was over. 

There have been numerous days this month, where God is just silent. Where it seems like there is no reason to continue on in praise or in pursuit of Him. 

But I have to remind myself that in the silence is where I'll hear His voice. That I can and will be joyful. That He is worthy, even if I'm not. 

Praise, praise, praise. 

A joyful heart will become a thankful heart. A joyful heart will become a loving heart. A joyful heart will become a heart that's full of grace. 

How can you draw nearer to His heart today?

When Good-Bye Might Not Be Good-Bye: A Request for Prayer

I didn't go to church this morning. I went for a run instead. Before anyone falls over from shock, please let me back up and explain.

I wrote that last week Sunday, not yesterday, last week Sunday. There is complete silence in my heart at the moment.

I need direction. I need a word from God. I need prayer.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I was approached by the directors of YWAM Cook Islands. I was asked to pray about coming back for part of the year to help, no commitment, no expectation of me coming back for good.

All my heart wants to do is go back. I have prayed about this for 3 weeks. I come to God over and over again. Every free moment is spent thinking of this, pros, cons, desires, ways, schemes, emotions.

God isn't giving me a clear answer. The mission board thinks it is too soon for me to go anywhere. My mom wants me to go more than anything.

My heart has decided it's going. When my brain tries to tell my heart that it might not be going, my heart is devastated, brought to tears, it weeps.

My brain sees the logic: I don't have any funding. I might not have a job when I come back. I need to find someone to take my place in my apartment. I have a fragile relationship with my home church after being gone for so long.

My brain also fears: I was on the verge of burnout when I left, what if I'm not healthy enough to go? What if I'm swamped by loneliness again? I said good-bye, people have moved on, what if there's really no room or place for me. Besides how could good-bye not be good-bye?

But my heart, my heart longs for the tides of the ocean, the normalcy, the expectancy of life in the Cook Islands. My heart longs to serve, to be useful. My heart longs to draw to God in the midst of corporate worship. More than that, my heart longs for friends, family, home that has been left behind.

Even as I write this, I'm crying. Granted, I'm a fairly emotional person, but a large part of my heart is forever in the Cook Islands.

My heart and head are in a chaotic fog. I need definite direction. Something clear, definitive, to hear God even though I can't decide on my own.

I am ready to step forward in faith, believing God would have me go, 6 short weeks from today. I long to do so. I am ready to stay if God would have me stay.

I need to hear His voice. I need Him to speak.

If you're reading this, I would appreciate and value your prayers. I believe that God has something in store for me, I believe He has an answer, a desire for what He'd have me do for the rest of the year. I also believe that He can bring peace to this, whatever the answer.

Thank you.

Reflection & Procrastination

I run. Kind of. Sort of, maybe I guess. More like I jog. That's what I should say, I jog. I'm hoping to run one day, like truly run, run like the wind and all that. But for now, let's say, I jog. I'm training to run/jog a 5K. It's been 5 weeks now and I go down to the walking trails by the lake and I jog. There's this tiny little hill halfway, and I avoid having to run it at all costs. I time myself to walk it, to turn around before it, sometimes I even skip my run because of it. I'm enjoying running, but I hate that hill.

It's causing me a slight dilemma, because at the end of next week, I'm supposed to be able to run/jog 5K. That means I have to run over the hill twice. My procrastination in running over that hill, although it makes me life easier for a short time, actually hinders me from having trained well for the long-term.

My point is, procrastination, although comfortable, isn't really something that makes me or my life better.

I'm telling you this, because I'm supposed to be updating you on how my July challenge went. I challenged myself to be at rest, physically, emotionally, and in the presence of God. The month is over and I have been procrastinating the update. But finally, I am sitting here with coffee and a chocolate waffle, reflecting, how did I do?

I had a few basic goals:

• Regular quiet/devotional times
• Aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night
• Doing things just because I wanted to
• Experiencing new things

My journal challenge was:

100 Things That I Love

I challenged myself to rest because I am, quite honestly, a workaholic. I cram my life full of projects, people, and work. I love it. I love being busy. But I get overtired, I get cranky, I snap, and I'm realizing that I can't run forever.

I want my life to be centered around the presence of God. I want my doing to flow out of a deep well of time well-spent with Him. I want my actions and words to reflect my relationship with my heavenly Father.

And for me, that means slowing down, taking time to reflect, taking time to pause in the wonder of who He is; experience small and simple things that I would otherwise overlook. Life isn't meant to be hurried. Someone once told me, life is a marathon, not a sprint, so teach yourself to run accordingly.

So, how did I do?

My time with God, daily and growing. I'm learning to drink long and deep from His well, knowing that true worship and true intimacy stem from a place of humility and surrender before Him. Still need to practice more, still need to grow more, but I think that a relationship with God never stops growing or going deeper, so I'm okay with how far I've come.

Aiming for 8 hours of sleep a night. This is my epic fail for the month. I have not physically rested as much as I should have, and so I need to look at really setting some sort of schedule so that my body gets used to a certain amount of rest a night. If anyone has any suggestions...please send me a message or give me a call! I'd love to hear some suggestions.

The third challenge: doing things, not out of obligation or personal pressure, but simply for enjoyment. I'd say yes and no. I did it, but not as consistently as I would have liked. I made jam, for the sheer pleasure of making something useful and beautiful. I started to write a children's story (at 3am one night). I've gone for coffee and visited friends, had people over in my home. I went berry-picking. But I've also let the busyness of work and obligation hamper my enthusiasm for enjoyment. Work in progress.

The final challenge, the one of experiencing new things, I kinda scrapped. I wasn't sure what I could consider as new, so I focused more on experience. Slowing down enough to listen to the sounds of nature. Sipping coffee quietly. Savoring flavours. Laughing because, no other reason. Slowing down enough to experience things, not just do things, opens a whole new world, brings beauty and thankfulness into the everyday. It's been good.

And the journal challenge. So far, I have listed about 60 Things That I Love. In my head, I have a lot more. So once I've finished writing, I'll take a picture and post it here, if I can manage the technological aspects of doing that.

So July, a month at rest. More to grow in, but some definite life skills and lessons learned. It's been great.

August's challenge: to be thankful. I'll keep you posted. Also, looking to update in the near future of what may or may not be happening in my life the next few months, so stay tuned!