What I'm Looking Forward To...

So, I'm going to try and write this post. I know I need to because yesterday someone asked me what I was looking forward to when I get home and I drew a blank....Finally, I said, well, to spend time with my family. Then came the inevitable question, but what else?

What else am I looking forward to? I'm struggling with this, because I have no idea what God is calling me to and I've been trying to sort out in my head what my purpose is for going home...

And honestly, I'm really not sure what reason God has for taking me home, but I've decided that I can still look forward to things, even if I have no set purpose for heading back to Canada.

I'm looking forward to northern lights, dancing across the sky. I'm looking forward to snow and all the things you can do with snow. 

I'm looking forward to setting the timer on my coffee maker and having a hot pot of coffee ready for my quiet times at 6am. I'm looking forward to padding through the house in flannel pjs, early in the morning, where everything is still, fresh snow blanketing the ground in quiet.

I'm looking forward to watching Atuk, the family dog, bound across the front yard, chasing deer and moose. I'm looking forward to seeing her sneak away from the fireplace because she knows she's not supposed to be there. 

I'm looking forward to sitting in the living room with my parents, brothers, sisters, 'til the wee hours of the morning, chatting about nothing and everything, laughter ringing through the room at our own nonsense. 

I'm looking forward to Sunday lunches after church. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family every Sunday morning, people I've known forever, that I've grown up with and shared life with. 

I'm looking forward to books, hundreds of thousands of books, at my parents' house, at my aunties' houses, at the library, at bookstores...I am so looking forward to bookstores!

I want to go snowboarding, skating, play hockey, play basketball, maybe even football or badminton. 

I want to go camping, smelling fresh coffee brewing over a smokey fire. 

I'm looking forward to watching my youngest siblings play basketball. I'm looking forward to Christmas with my family, the smells of a northern Christmas wafting through the house. I'm looking forward to...

I'm looking forward to moments, precious moments with family, with friends, weddings, birthdays, holidays, births, baptisms. Things I've missed for the past 5 or so years. It's been so long since I lived at home...

I'm looking forward to seeing God move in different ways in my life, speaking into a new season, growing me for what He has next. I'm looking forward to rest in His arms for a season, being filled to minister better in the future. I'm looking forward to the forging of family ties, the deepening of friendships, and the birth of new relationships. 

I'm looking forward to life. This past month, has been a month of death in some ways, maybe not death but endings, and I'm looking forward to a new beginning, a season of firsts. I'm not sure what the firsts will be, but I know that they will be there. 

God is good. I will rest in the shadow of His wings, and I will not be moved:) 

What I'm Going to Miss...

Well...I've started to debrief for going home, Kate suggested that I write a list of all the things that I'm looking forward to for going home, and I'm going to do that...but first I'm going to write a list of what I'm going to miss, I was going to do the 2 in the same post, but I think that it might get too long.

So here goes....

I'm going to miss the singing of the CICC churches, the mamas hitting the high high notes and the papas keeping the songs going on and on. I'm going to miss kaikais, tables heaped with good island food, smells wafting from one end of the room to the other. I'm going to miss the sound of the sea, waves desperately crashing on the shore, trying to take the land back into its relentless grip.

I'm going to miss my family, the people that I love, have laughed with, cried with, fought with. The people that have seen me grow and grown with me. I'm going to miss their smiles, their faces, their support. I'm going to miss the love of a family that chose to stick with me, not related by blood, but related by heart.

I'm going to miss meeting new faces, hearing stories of peoples from around the world. I'm going to miss seeing new things of God in every culture. I'm going to miss late-night airport runs, walking into the airport barefoot, because I never remember my jandals.

I'm going to miss calling my flip-flops jandals, calling garbage rubbish or candy lollies. I'm going to miss people making fun of my accent or not knowing what my name actually is.

I'm going to miss fundraisers and feasts, those days when you work til midnight the night before, walk up at 4 or 5 in the morning to keep making food, and keep working til you finally fall into bed exhausted at midnight that day.

Speaking of midnight, I'm going to miss midnight swims with my girlfriends, talking and laughing about all sorts of crazy things, learning from each other, building each other up.

I'm going to miss the beach in general, frayed hammocks swinging in the wind, watching the locals go fishing at low tide, walking on white sandy beaches. Watching sunrises, watching sunsets.

I'm going to miss 5am prayer services while on outreach. I'm going to miss outreach.

I'm going to miss the colours of the South Pacific, the languages, the faces.

I'm going to miss the smell of guava, the smell of eis, the smell of salt.

I'm going to miss the heat, sweaty, sticky, oppressive heat, little trickles of sweat running down your body long into the night. I'm going to miss going to the refrigerated section of the store to but chocolate, or having to drink a cold nu because water just doesn't really hydrate you.

I'm going to miss driving on the wrong side of the road, with the steering wheel on the opposite side, still after 3 years getting into the passenger side of the vehicle when I'm actually supposed to be the one driving...

I'm going to miss so many things...I could keep going...always going...

But what I'm going to miss most of all, is seeing the move of God here, in this place, in the country He poured His heart out on me for. I'm going to miss God waking me up at 4 am to go look out at the brilliant southern sky and just intercede for the nation. I'm going to miss running along the beach and have God stop me to point out something that needs His heart here.

I'm going to miss the Cook Islands, funny, because I never felt called here, but I asked God to give me His heart for this place, and now it's not just a step in my journey, but it's part of my heart, it's part of my home.

SO...i realized that my last few blogs have been hard blogs, and I think, that it's time for a change of pace.
I don't want anyone to think that this leaving Rarotonga is all bad, because it's not. It's extremely difficult to leave this place, I've grown and developed so much as a person here, as a Christian, as a missionary.
I love people here, I have good memories here, so it is difficult to leave this place behind, especially not knowing when or if I'll ever return.
But leaving is not all bad. Even though I'm not sure where I'm going from here or what God will do in my life, I know that this is His best for me, and that He will reveal things to me in His time.
I'm looking forward to going home, to seeing family, to having a small break to rest and recuperate and really press into God.
And then go where He leads next. Someone messaged me after my last post and reminded me that the adventure is not over, and it's not. As long as I continue to follow His heart, the adventure with Him continues.
I am hopeful for the future, and curious to see what He'll unfold!
15 days til the next adventure!

Leaving

So these last few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity.
We're halfway through the Mini-DTS and God is opening up so many doors and doing so many great things. We're sitting under really good teaching and the students are thriving! Praise God that He is faithful and that He sees through and works through us despite our weaknesses and failures.

I've officially handed over the communication side of things here at the base, I'm still doing a few little facebook things and working on the blog, but that side of my life is over:( I loved doing the communication, so I'm a sad to let it go, but it was time.

I'm slowly wrapping up my time here. Today it's officially 23 days until I fly out of Rarotonga. I can't believe that this chapter of my life is over. I think I cry over it every day. I've been told to grieve my time here well. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I'm definitely grieving.

With leaving, there's a whole host of emotions that I'm not sure how to deal with. I'm having to let go of so many things, but things are super busy here, so I'm not having a lot of time to process. There are so many questions in my mind about my time here, did I do well? Was it worth it? Have I truly run the race?

The base is also going through a lot of changes, changes that leave me behind because I'm not going to be moving forward with them. So, I spend a lot of nights alone, thinking and struggling and praying, not knowing how to work through what I'm going through.

They don't teach you how to deal with this on DTS or Bible School, they don't teach you how to deal with this in church or college. There is a deep ripping at my soul, the need to say a final good-bye, but not knowing how, because the things and people I'm saying good-bye to aren't dead, they're just moving forward without me. And I'm leaving them.

I'm sorry, that was a whole lot more honest than I was intending on being, but looking at it, I don't want to take it away, because it's the truth, and I value truth.

Over the next 3 weeks, I'll keep winding down my time here, and just continue seeking His face to see where He wants me next. It will be good to go home to see my family and reconnect with people at home. But I know that it won't be forever, that God will again call me forward into something else.

Please pray for me as I continue here and as I travel home. Please pray for me, that God will provide everything I need for travelling, financially, spiritually, physically. Pray that His peace will surround me and that I will receive all my strength from Him.

Blessings, and thank you for your prayers...